Monday, November 20, 2006
For you women out there who have dreamed of having Bill Clinton get into your pants, your wish is about to come true, courtesy of the U.S. government. But you might have to wait a while.
Starting next year, the U.S. mint is releasing a series of dollar coins featuring a new president every four months, starting with George Washington and moving forward chronologically. These coins will replace the much-hated Sacagawea golden dollar which debuted in 2000 and the Susan B. Anthony silver dollar which was released in 1979. It's no wonder that a Native American and a man-hating femenist failed to achieve popularity among the American public. And it's no doubt that these new coins will succeed where the females failed.
The new coins are meant to phase out the paper dollar bill, which almost never lasts more than 24 months in circulation. Durable metal coins (gold colored, like the Sacagawea dollar) are expected to last much longer, saving the government billions of dollars in the near future.
But there's a price for all that saving, and you and I will be paying it. Our pockets will wear out from the constant weight of heavy coins. Our waitresses will develop back problems from lugging around peoples' dollar tips in their little aprons. Cocaine users will have to find something else to snort their powder with. Pimps won't be able to pad their gangsta' rolls with singles. The entire stripping industry will have to be reformed, since it's hard to dance with cold coins in your G-string. And people will no longer be able to complain about vending machines rejecting beat-up paper bills, thus rendering classic episodes of both Seinfeld and The Simpsons obsolete.
In order to be "coin-worthy," a president has to be dead for at least two years, so for you women dreaming of filling your back pockets with Clinton's pervy visage, you'll have to wait until he dies, or go kill him yourself.
It's scary to think that one day in the near future, you'll glance down at your pocket change and see Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson staring up at you. Thank goodness Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter are still alive, sparing us at least a few more years without carrying them around. Of course, gay men might get a little thrill over having Ronald Reagan dollars in their front pockets. How often does a guy that good-looking get so close to their crotch?
Starting next year, the U.S. mint is releasing a series of dollar coins featuring a new president every four months, starting with George Washington and moving forward chronologically. These coins will replace the much-hated Sacagawea golden dollar which debuted in 2000 and the Susan B. Anthony silver dollar which was released in 1979. It's no wonder that a Native American and a man-hating femenist failed to achieve popularity among the American public. And it's no doubt that these new coins will succeed where the females failed.
The new coins are meant to phase out the paper dollar bill, which almost never lasts more than 24 months in circulation. Durable metal coins (gold colored, like the Sacagawea dollar) are expected to last much longer, saving the government billions of dollars in the near future.
But there's a price for all that saving, and you and I will be paying it. Our pockets will wear out from the constant weight of heavy coins. Our waitresses will develop back problems from lugging around peoples' dollar tips in their little aprons. Cocaine users will have to find something else to snort their powder with. Pimps won't be able to pad their gangsta' rolls with singles. The entire stripping industry will have to be reformed, since it's hard to dance with cold coins in your G-string. And people will no longer be able to complain about vending machines rejecting beat-up paper bills, thus rendering classic episodes of both Seinfeld and The Simpsons obsolete.
In order to be "coin-worthy," a president has to be dead for at least two years, so for you women dreaming of filling your back pockets with Clinton's pervy visage, you'll have to wait until he dies, or go kill him yourself.
It's scary to think that one day in the near future, you'll glance down at your pocket change and see Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson staring up at you. Thank goodness Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter are still alive, sparing us at least a few more years without carrying them around. Of course, gay men might get a little thrill over having Ronald Reagan dollars in their front pockets. How often does a guy that good-looking get so close to their crotch?
# posted by RBW @ 12:48 PM 
