Wasting my life one day at a time...

Have you ever been standing in line at the bank or the grocery store when you find yourself instantly attracted to the member of the opposite sex standing right in front of you? This happens to me a lot. Now remember, this person is standing in front of you, so you haven't seen his or her face but you're undeniably and obessively attracted to what you can check out from behind. And I'm not just talking about a person's bum here. There are plenty of other things, just as important, that you can inspect from behind at your leisure, since they can't see you staring. Here's the list of attractive features I run through when I'm in that situation, ranked from most important to least important, keeping in mind that a person's face, good or bad, can outweigh everything else considered:

1. Posture - Easy to check out from behind. If they lack this, then they're barely even worth your inspection. It doesn't matter how good everything else looks (face excluded), if they haven't developed the posture that separates humans from Australeopithicus, then you're better off wasting your time reading the tabloids lining the checkout counter.
2. Hair - This is also a potential deal breaker. The way a person cares for his or her hair is often a sign of how they care for their entire being. You want a nice, natural look up there. If it's been dyed, redyed, bleached, and redyed again, then don't even bother. Someone that insecure isn't worth getting shot down for. But remember, not everyone is born with great hair, and sometimes, no amount of care can overcome that fact. So if you're staring at a nasty nest of stiffish red curls then please, be kind, because it's often nature's fault and they're a hapless victim, taming nature's curse.
3. Clothing - I hate to say it, but this matters, to some extent. As long as someone's clothing is clean, fairly normal (no extreme styles), and in decent shape, I could care less what brand name adorns their jeans. Ask yourself...Would I want to be seen in public with someone wearing that? If the answer is yes, then you're free to proceed.
4. Shoes - This is a very different from clothing. For a reason that I can feel but not articulate, cheap clothes are acceptable, but cheap shoes are not. If they're wearing a pair of knock-off, hollow-soled, faux-leather clodhoppers they got at a Shop-ko clearance sale for $6.99 then quit checking them out. Don't allow them that flattery. And ladies, flip-flops are insanely cheap, so if you're going to wear them, invest in a good, quality pair. And make sure your feet are sexy enough to be seen naked.
5. Height/Weight - These two shouldn't be judged very harshly because a person usually has no control over how tall her or she is, and limited control over his or her weight. True, you can exercise and starve yourself to gain that perfect body, but some people are just born fatter than others. It would be a sad world if all women were skinny. The D-cup would become extinct. So just accept their body or move on.
6. Smell - This is a tricky thing to consider. Sometimes you won't be able to smell a thing. Other times, you'll bask in a person's scent and remember it in your dreams. If you can get a whiff, then feel free to enjoy. You'll rarely find a bad-smelling woman. But if they smell too strong, then they're obviously insecure or covering something up. It's best not to reward excessive perfume with any sort of attention.
7. Movement - Similar to posture but not quite as important, the way a person moves can be very sexy...or very repulsive. Smooth, athletic motions do it for me. Grace is among the most underestimated attributes among women. Plus, if you end up marrying this stranger who has the coordination of a drunk retard, then I doubt your kids will be professional athletes one day.
8. Voice - Sometimes you can hear the person talking. If their voice is annoying or too loud, then they're a no go. If there's a muddled, unplaceable accent, then they're also out. If their voice is too weak or soft, then they're just not worth it. Voice is the transporter of personality, so if their personality sucks, then their voice will too.

If your mystery crush is still worth pursuing, then do whatever you can to get a good look at their face. And if they have an ugly face, simply ask the cashier for a few extra brown paper bags.