Thursday, November 02, 2006
Although I hate everything the man stands for, one thing I do like about President Bush is that his name sounds thoroughly American. Good old George Bush. No mistaking the ethnicity there. White? Check. Anglo-Saxon? Double check. Protestant? Check. Ahh, God bless America. That’s how it should be.
Of course, in the 2004 presidential election, the country couldn’t lose, since John Kerry shares the same WASPy distinction as Bush. And with the lone exceptions of John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, that’s how it’s always been. That’s why the name Barack Obama is so scary.
If you’re not an ace political pundit like me, you’ve probably never heard that name before. Let me bring you up to speed. Barack Obama was born in Hawaii to a white mother from Kansas and a black father straight from the deep, dark jungles of Kenya. Daddy was living in Hawaii as a foreign college student when he married Mommy, but not surprisingly, the racial harmony didn’t last more than two years. Then, Mommy (who obviously had a thing for non-white guys) married a man from Indonesia and moved there with him, so little Barack spent most of his childhood surrounded by America-hating Asians before being shipped back to live with Grandma in Hawaii. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Somehow, Barack survived all that drama and ended up graduating from Harvard with a law degree in 1981. Hold on, let me wipe this tear from my eye. Stories of minorities succeeding against the odds really hit me hard.
Last year, Barack continued to defy the odds and was elected to Senate from the obviously retarded state of Illinois. Currently, he’s the only African-American senator in Congress. So how does this affect you and me? Because of a recent visit he paid to several impoverished African countries, Barack gained a load of publicity and is currently using his newfound fame to forge a path to the White House. Names for 2008 presidential nominees are being thrown around, and Barack Obama, with all his racial and emotional baggage, is at the top of the Democrats’ list. Scary huh.
It’s not that he isn’t qualified for the job. I think a shaved monkey could do a better job than President Bush, who, almost unanimously, is already ranked among the worst presidents this country has ever had. But despite Bush’s idiocy, he represents me. He’s a white, non-Catholic, male who likes football, hunting, and taking vacations to his ranch every two weeks to fish for large-mouth bass. That’s my kind of guy. Black guys with abandonment issues who spend a third of their lives in America-hating foreign countries aren’t exactly my first choice to lead the free world. Sorry Barack. I’d vote for a gay Jew before I’d vote for you. You’re just too messed up, and race has very little to do with it.
All this speculation got me thinking and I decided to do a little experiment with myself, just to see how racist, sexist, and hateful I really am. I’ve listed some possible election scenarios below, along with which candidate I’d choose to vote for if no third-party candidates were available. Of course, this will never happen, since every election is filled with about fifty Ralph Nader wanna-be’s, but I thought it would be fun.
1. A white, Jewish male vs. a black man---Wow, this is a tough one. As much as I'd hate myself, I'd probably vote for the black dude, even if he did start all his speeches with "Yo, listen up."
2. A black lesbian vs. a white lesbian---Both candidates have something in common with me, since we're all attracted to women. But I'd have to go with the white lesbian, since she's more likely to like white chicks, just like me.
3. An Arab male vs. a white Jewish male--- Both would be assassinated before election day, so this scenario isn't even worth considering.
4. An Asian male vs. a Hispanic male---This one is tough. I hate both races equally, but even though Asians have tiny penises and thus have vast inferiority complexes, I'd be afraid of an open Mexican border if the Hispanic won. So the Asian would get my vote. I'm sure I'd sleep better at night, knowing my own withered genitals dwarf the president's.
5. A white, gay, male vs. Hillary Clinton---Sorry Hillary, women scare me more than gay men. And just think about the tabloid drama if the new gay president had some sort of sex scandal. I could be the victim! I guess I could be Hillary's victim too, but if a horny guy like Bill Clinton refuses to touch her, then something really nasty must be going on there.
I'm too lazy to think of any more, but you get the point. I hate almost everyone.
Of course, in the 2004 presidential election, the country couldn’t lose, since John Kerry shares the same WASPy distinction as Bush. And with the lone exceptions of John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, that’s how it’s always been. That’s why the name Barack Obama is so scary.
If you’re not an ace political pundit like me, you’ve probably never heard that name before. Let me bring you up to speed. Barack Obama was born in Hawaii to a white mother from Kansas and a black father straight from the deep, dark jungles of Kenya. Daddy was living in Hawaii as a foreign college student when he married Mommy, but not surprisingly, the racial harmony didn’t last more than two years. Then, Mommy (who obviously had a thing for non-white guys) married a man from Indonesia and moved there with him, so little Barack spent most of his childhood surrounded by America-hating Asians before being shipped back to live with Grandma in Hawaii. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Somehow, Barack survived all that drama and ended up graduating from Harvard with a law degree in 1981. Hold on, let me wipe this tear from my eye. Stories of minorities succeeding against the odds really hit me hard.
Last year, Barack continued to defy the odds and was elected to Senate from the obviously retarded state of Illinois. Currently, he’s the only African-American senator in Congress. So how does this affect you and me? Because of a recent visit he paid to several impoverished African countries, Barack gained a load of publicity and is currently using his newfound fame to forge a path to the White House. Names for 2008 presidential nominees are being thrown around, and Barack Obama, with all his racial and emotional baggage, is at the top of the Democrats’ list. Scary huh.
It’s not that he isn’t qualified for the job. I think a shaved monkey could do a better job than President Bush, who, almost unanimously, is already ranked among the worst presidents this country has ever had. But despite Bush’s idiocy, he represents me. He’s a white, non-Catholic, male who likes football, hunting, and taking vacations to his ranch every two weeks to fish for large-mouth bass. That’s my kind of guy. Black guys with abandonment issues who spend a third of their lives in America-hating foreign countries aren’t exactly my first choice to lead the free world. Sorry Barack. I’d vote for a gay Jew before I’d vote for you. You’re just too messed up, and race has very little to do with it.
All this speculation got me thinking and I decided to do a little experiment with myself, just to see how racist, sexist, and hateful I really am. I’ve listed some possible election scenarios below, along with which candidate I’d choose to vote for if no third-party candidates were available. Of course, this will never happen, since every election is filled with about fifty Ralph Nader wanna-be’s, but I thought it would be fun.
1. A white, Jewish male vs. a black man---Wow, this is a tough one. As much as I'd hate myself, I'd probably vote for the black dude, even if he did start all his speeches with "Yo, listen up."
2. A black lesbian vs. a white lesbian---Both candidates have something in common with me, since we're all attracted to women. But I'd have to go with the white lesbian, since she's more likely to like white chicks, just like me.
3. An Arab male vs. a white Jewish male--- Both would be assassinated before election day, so this scenario isn't even worth considering.
4. An Asian male vs. a Hispanic male---This one is tough. I hate both races equally, but even though Asians have tiny penises and thus have vast inferiority complexes, I'd be afraid of an open Mexican border if the Hispanic won. So the Asian would get my vote. I'm sure I'd sleep better at night, knowing my own withered genitals dwarf the president's.
5. A white, gay, male vs. Hillary Clinton---Sorry Hillary, women scare me more than gay men. And just think about the tabloid drama if the new gay president had some sort of sex scandal. I could be the victim! I guess I could be Hillary's victim too, but if a horny guy like Bill Clinton refuses to touch her, then something really nasty must be going on there.
I'm too lazy to think of any more, but you get the point. I hate almost everyone.
