Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I got an invitation in the mail last week, printed on neon orange paper with bold black lettering. It was from the local church leadership, inviting me to the Young Single Adults activity this Saturday from 3-5 pm at a local park.
Along with a few little clipart images to enhance production values and impress the intended audience, a list of activities is given on the invitation. Volleyball, pumpkin carving, a steak cookout, and finally, and this is a direct quote from the invitation, "giant ball activities," whatever that means. The invitation reads: "No need to look elsewhere, bring a friend and come enjoy the fun!"
Let me think about this for a second. Free food and single women? Appeals to my cheapness and libido. Volleyball? Appeals to my zeal for sports (plus, I could impress the ladies with my killer volleyball skills). Giant ball activities? Um, sounds weird, but intriguing, especially if my giant balls are going to be used...he he...cheap humor. Free pumpkins and sharp instruments to damage them with? How can I lose!
So am I going? Probably not. If you're not familiar with Mormons, I'll let you in on a little secret. We suck. There's a reason why the Young Single Adults program exists, and it's to give social rejects like me one or two good memories every year on the churches' dollar. Sadly, this Saturday's party will be the highlight of many a social life. If we had any societal value, we'd be married by now, right?
By promoting activities like these, the church is invariably creating a hybrid race of loser offspring, spawned from two loser parents who met at a loser singles party surrounded by other losers. When these loser children become young single adults themseleves, the cycle will continue. The only way to break it, thus keeping the church's future leadership loser-free, is to boycott the party. I'm doing this for the greater good. Sadly, when I don't show up, the giant ball activites will have to be cancelled.
Along with a few little clipart images to enhance production values and impress the intended audience, a list of activities is given on the invitation. Volleyball, pumpkin carving, a steak cookout, and finally, and this is a direct quote from the invitation, "giant ball activities," whatever that means. The invitation reads: "No need to look elsewhere, bring a friend and come enjoy the fun!"
Let me think about this for a second. Free food and single women? Appeals to my cheapness and libido. Volleyball? Appeals to my zeal for sports (plus, I could impress the ladies with my killer volleyball skills). Giant ball activities? Um, sounds weird, but intriguing, especially if my giant balls are going to be used...he he...cheap humor. Free pumpkins and sharp instruments to damage them with? How can I lose!
So am I going? Probably not. If you're not familiar with Mormons, I'll let you in on a little secret. We suck. There's a reason why the Young Single Adults program exists, and it's to give social rejects like me one or two good memories every year on the churches' dollar. Sadly, this Saturday's party will be the highlight of many a social life. If we had any societal value, we'd be married by now, right?
By promoting activities like these, the church is invariably creating a hybrid race of loser offspring, spawned from two loser parents who met at a loser singles party surrounded by other losers. When these loser children become young single adults themseleves, the cycle will continue. The only way to break it, thus keeping the church's future leadership loser-free, is to boycott the party. I'm doing this for the greater good. Sadly, when I don't show up, the giant ball activites will have to be cancelled.
