Tuesday, November 14, 2006
If you didn't read yesterday's entry by this morning then I’m afraid you'll never read it, since I deleted it a few minutes ago. In a rare lapse of judgment, I published sensitive information about myself, and also published slanderous things about my sister-in-law. After thinking it over last night, I decided to delete the entire post, so consider it your loss. My familial relationships are obviously important to me, especially with Christmas coming up. If you're not nice to people, it definitely hurts when the presents are passed around.
In other news, it looks like Toby McGuire (the unsexy star of the Spiderman movies who still looks and acts like he's going through puberty at age 31) successfully knocked up girlfriend/fiance Jennifer Meyer, a jewelry designer and daughter of Ron Meyer, president and CEO of Universal Studios. The little bastard, a baby girl, was born a few days ago. Great career move there, Toby. When you lose the sparse looks you do have and your squeaky voice finally goes, you'll always have a generous father-in-law to cast you in whatever horse-racing inspired movie he has in the works, primarily because only you and Tom Cruise are short enough to play jockeys.
Who, besides me, thinks that if Toby would have used protection (or stuck strictly with men), Jennifer Meyer would simply be another pseudo-celebrity hook-up and not a fiance? A scandalous unwed pregnancy has a magical way of helping celebrities fall in love and decide to finally tie the knot. Remember the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner pregnancy/marriage thing? How about Tom and Katie Holmes, who still have yet to be married and are living in sin with little Suri? Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? The list goes on and on. For some reason, if you’ve ever been in a movie or achieved even a modest degree of fame, you’re shielded from the guilt and social shame that God intends with every unwed pregnancy. These people celebrate their mistakes, and the world applauds them for it.
And have you seen Jennifer Meyer? She’s a major step down from the other women Toby has been involved with, mostly because she looks…how do I say this nicely…very Jewish. Her father is an out-and-proud Jew, and the proof is right there in her face and in her mane of long, thick hair. She somewhat resembles a skinny Barbara Streisand, which isn’t a good look for any woman, especially a postpartum woman. Also, Jennifer works in the jewelry industry, and as everyone knows, you can't say jewelry without saying Jew.
So now Spiderman is stuck with a little kosher bundle of joy when he could have been using his fame to impregnate someone who doesn’t crave latka and matzoh balls during her third trimester, nevermind reeking of gefilte fish. Poor, poor Toby. I don’t envy your impoverished childhood, or your lack of height, or your scratchy voice, or the gay rumors whispered about you, or your back problems, or your hokey roles in Seabiscuit and The Cider House Rules, but your immunity from social scorn has my jealousy running on high.
I can imagine Hollywood in about twenty years, when all these bastard celebrity children reach their adulthood and have the connections they need to ensure second-generation movie stardom. In the future, having children out of wedlock might catch on and be socially acceptable, even fashionable, but sadly, for Toby and Jennifer’s daughter, looking Jewish never will.
In other news, it looks like Toby McGuire (the unsexy star of the Spiderman movies who still looks and acts like he's going through puberty at age 31) successfully knocked up girlfriend/fiance Jennifer Meyer, a jewelry designer and daughter of Ron Meyer, president and CEO of Universal Studios. The little bastard, a baby girl, was born a few days ago. Great career move there, Toby. When you lose the sparse looks you do have and your squeaky voice finally goes, you'll always have a generous father-in-law to cast you in whatever horse-racing inspired movie he has in the works, primarily because only you and Tom Cruise are short enough to play jockeys.
Who, besides me, thinks that if Toby would have used protection (or stuck strictly with men), Jennifer Meyer would simply be another pseudo-celebrity hook-up and not a fiance? A scandalous unwed pregnancy has a magical way of helping celebrities fall in love and decide to finally tie the knot. Remember the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner pregnancy/marriage thing? How about Tom and Katie Holmes, who still have yet to be married and are living in sin with little Suri? Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? The list goes on and on. For some reason, if you’ve ever been in a movie or achieved even a modest degree of fame, you’re shielded from the guilt and social shame that God intends with every unwed pregnancy. These people celebrate their mistakes, and the world applauds them for it.
And have you seen Jennifer Meyer? She’s a major step down from the other women Toby has been involved with, mostly because she looks…how do I say this nicely…very Jewish. Her father is an out-and-proud Jew, and the proof is right there in her face and in her mane of long, thick hair. She somewhat resembles a skinny Barbara Streisand, which isn’t a good look for any woman, especially a postpartum woman. Also, Jennifer works in the jewelry industry, and as everyone knows, you can't say jewelry without saying Jew.
So now Spiderman is stuck with a little kosher bundle of joy when he could have been using his fame to impregnate someone who doesn’t crave latka and matzoh balls during her third trimester, nevermind reeking of gefilte fish. Poor, poor Toby. I don’t envy your impoverished childhood, or your lack of height, or your scratchy voice, or the gay rumors whispered about you, or your back problems, or your hokey roles in Seabiscuit and The Cider House Rules, but your immunity from social scorn has my jealousy running on high.
I can imagine Hollywood in about twenty years, when all these bastard celebrity children reach their adulthood and have the connections they need to ensure second-generation movie stardom. In the future, having children out of wedlock might catch on and be socially acceptable, even fashionable, but sadly, for Toby and Jennifer’s daughter, looking Jewish never will.
