Wasting my life one day at a time...

I just got out of a boring meeting where I passed the time jotting down a list of things that I hate. They say that “hate” is a very strong word and I’m glad, because I really hate these things. Although some are more detailed than others, I hate them all equally:

• Cheap documentaries that state the obvious. Has anyone seen the documentary Super Size Me? It’s basically an analysis of the fast-food industry where a man puts himself on a strict McDonald’s diet for a month, just to see what will happen. What do you think is going to happen, you effing moron. You think you’re going to drop five pounds? Why are we paying to watch brainless films like this where the premise is so blatantly obvious? Do you really have to eat fast-food for a month to prove it’s bad? Most of Michael Moore’s films share the same idiotic goal; to prove that something is bad, even though it’s obviously bad. Violence in America is bad? Better make a doc to prove it. President Bush is legally retarded? Better make a doc to prove it. Don’t waste your money supporting these films. Retards.
• People who swear allegiance to certain auto manufacturers. You know these guys. They’re the ones who only buy a certain brand of car and mock anyone driving anything else. Where does this allegiance to a faceless corporation come from? When I was in process of buying a new car recently, people would always tell me, “You should get a (insert brand-name here).” I’d ask why. They’d never have a reason, other than some baseless, arbitrary affection. Retards.
• Those who mistakenly refer to people who are good at sports as being good athletes. Sports journalists do this a lot, thus proving their inferiority to me. Just because you can shoot a basketball accurately (sports skill) doesn’t necessarily mean you can run fast and jump high (athleticism). The two aren’t mutually inclusive, which the morons of the world don’t seem to realize. Some of the best basketball players of all time (Larry Bird, Bill Walton, and most other tall white guys) aren’t great athletes. They’re mediocre athletes who happen to be incredible basketball players. Here’s the difference between athleticism and sports skill: Athleticism is genetic, or, if you prefer, God-given, while sports expertise is gained through practice. Just because your dad is an incredible ping-pong player doesn’t mean you’ll be. There’s no gene for swinging a little wooden paddle, but there are genes for muscle mass, coordination, and flexibility. Learn the difference. Retards.
• Polynesians whose families have lived in America for generations but still manage to speak with that stupid-sounding island accent. You know what I’m talking about. That flat, dull way of speaking, lacking any shred of inflection. I guess it’s more of a speaking style than an actual accent, but where does it come from and how does it survive here? If they just got off the boat and English is their third language then they’re free to butcher it, but when they were born here, and their parents were born here, there’s really no excuse for it. Just goes to show that not all men are created equally. Retards.
• The shocking decline of in the quality of action figures. My childhood (the 80’s) was the golden age of action figures, spawning technological improvements like full swivel arms and legs for GI Joes, rubber-band suspensions for hip-swiveling figures (He-Man and also GI Joes), little holes in the figures’ feet for easy placement on vehicles and platforms, improved kung-fu grips, non-flammable plastics, and so on. For some reason, while the rest of the world’s technology has advanced over the last twenty-five years, the development of action figures has languished and they now face extinction. This is actually more depressing than hate-inspiring, but I thought I’d include it on the list. Retards.
• People who pronounce the “g” on “ing” verbs and gerund nouns. In my estimation, nearly twenty-five percent of the population does this, making all those “ing” words come out with a very subtle “guh” sound on the end. For example, you’ll hear someone say “I was running-guh at the gym.” or “He was looking-guh at you.” You know what I mean? It’s hard to explain in writing, but if you could hear me say it, you’d immediately know what I’m talking about. How should these words be pronounced? In most cases, replace the “ing” with “een” and reap the benefits of sounding intelligent. Example: “I was runn-een at the gym.” and “He was look-een at you.” But don’t mistake “een” for “un,” which will make you sound like a redneck. “I was runn-un at the gym.” See how that works? If you are guilty of using the “ing” or “un” then cease immediately. It’s really annoying-guh. Retards.
• Black guys who think they’re good athletes just because they’re black. Retards.
• People who were born and raised in Utah yet have strange obsessions for professional and college sports teams other than the Utah Jazz or any of the Utah schools. We all know people like this. They’ve never set foot outside the state yet they have a rabid passion for the Oakland Raiders or New York Yankees. Um, why? I’ve heard really dumb reasons, ranging from “I like their colors” to “They always win,” but that’s just not good enough. Here’s the new law: Utah natives are not entitled to like any pro sports franchise more than another, with the Utah Jazz as the lone exception. The same goes for college teams. You’re only allowed to like Utah schools. If you lived in a certain place for a while or attended a certain school then you’re entitled to cheer that team on. Otherwise, you’re a Jazz fan, exclusively. Better learn to like them. Retards.
• Black people complaining about the lack of black characters on TV and in movies. I hate to break it to you, black folks, but not every part of the world is inhabited by those sharing your same race. Let’s pretend a TV sitcom was going to be filmed in my neighborhood. The cast would be 95% white, and there wouldn’t be a black person in sight. Yet black people would complain about this, simply because that’s what they enjoy doing. Reality be damned, they’d say, put a few black folks on the show! If a sitcom or movie about the Ku Klux Klan was made, black folks would complain about the lack of black Klansmen. Trust me, they would. I’m not racist by any means, but this is a legitimate hatred. They enjoy complaining more than thinking. Why don't white people complain about the lack of whites in movies and TV shows? Maybe because we have other things to do, like work. Retards.
• The lack of female car salesmen. To be politically correct, I guess they’d be called car saleswomen, but calling them anything is a moot point since they don’t exist. Nothing goes better with cars than good-looking women. I’m surprised they don’t have dealerships with Hooters themes. What man wouldn’t want to take a test drive with a sexy woman? I guess I’m ahead of my time. Retards.
• People who complain about stupid things and dedicate entire blog entries to listing them while realizing they have no power to change them. If you can’t change something, don’t worry about it. Retard.