Thursday, August 31, 2006
If the rumors are true (and they usually are), get ready for another American civil war, fought between a pair of trillion dollar goliaths on the landscape of newsprint and popular opinion with your checking account as the only casualty. Confused? Keep reading, because this conspiracy goes awfully deep and you'll thank me later for getting you in on the ground floor.
For those who aren't perfectly in tune with the financial world, like I am, I'll let you in on some information that just leaked from the Wal-Mart world headquarters located in quaint little Bentonville, Arkansas. At risk of becoming shunned and isolated by those living above the poverty line, Wal-Mart is making plans to launch a new chain of stores, still carrying the trusted Wal-Mart name, but aimed at seducing middle and upper-class citizens by stocking products of finer quality and greater cost than those found at normal superstores. The new stores, while still technically Wal-Marts, will feature such luxuries as carpeted floors, dimmed lighting, soft music, and checkout counters similar to those in department stores, instead of the typical grocery-style check stands with the moveable rubber belts and racks of plastic bags. Think Dillard’s or Macy’s (not to be confused with Macey’s, the crappy Utah grocer I worked for in high school), but with all the class you’ve come to expect from the Wal-Mart name (double dose on the sarcasm there).
So why is Wal-Mart, the most successful retailer in history, making such a drastic move? Blame the Democrats.
If you're not perfectly in tune with the political world, like I am, I'll let you in on a rumor that recently leaked from Washington, DC. The Democrats, in the minority since Clinton stumbled out of office, are hoping an anti-Wal-Mart political platform in the 2008 presidential election will connect with the Wal-Mart-hating voter class (think upper and middle class, since white trash and minorities don't vote), thus propelling a Democrat into the oval office and prompting an inevitable Democratic takeover in Congress.
Let’s think about this for a second. A leading political party in the most powerful nation on the planet is using society’s collective animosity toward a discount retailer to sweep a presidential election, thus putting an end to the war in Iraq, thus altering the future of the world. When Sam Walton founded Wal-Mart back in 1962, who’d have thought his company would one day be the catalyst of world peace, thanks, ironically, to the utter hatred projected toward him and his retail empire. Sounds crazy, right? Just watch. The next two years will prove me right.
If you think I've read one too many Newsweek magazines and that I'm making this up, then you're only partially right. While I have read one too many Newsweeks, the conspiracy about Wal-Mart launching their new luxury stores as a counterattack to the Democrats' 2008 campaign is the truth; a strange, unprecedented truth, but true nonetheless.
The government’s interest in Wal-Mart dates back to the late 70’s and early 80’s, when Sam Walton himself was recruited to slow the tide of communism rampaging through Central America by promoting capitalism and privatization. His efforts included funding scholarship programs to bring Central American students to Christian universities in the United States, hoping that exposure to capitalism and good old-fashioned American values would dissuade them from becoming involved in communist movements back home. In 1992, Walton was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom from George Bush, before dying of cancer months later, instantly making his five children multi-billionaires.
As Wal-Mart grew at a miraculous rate in the 90’s, becoming China’s largest trading partner in the process, politicians took steps to control the company’s future, but failed. A grassroots movement, implemented mostly by liberal, Democratic know-nothings started the ubiquitous crusades against “big box stores.” Democratic leaders saw the issue for what it was; a unifying cause for middle and upper class citizens, and added Wal-Mart bashing to their campaign. And now, as I mentioned, Wal-Mart has fired back, targeting the same sector of the populace for their impending luxury stores.
Folks, you heard it here first. A confrontation is brewing between Wal-Mart and the Democratic party, and the only loser in this inevitable clash will be consumers, since it takes money to fight a war (something George W. Bush doesn’t seem to realize). A 2005 study estimated that by shopping exclusively at Wal-Mart, the average family could save nearly $2,800 dollars a year. (The study failed to mention that the same families would also be ridiculed for their cheap clothing and crappy home furnishings.) With a war on, Wal-Mart's prices have nowhere to go but up. And the company is going to need funds to build those new luxury stores, so that’s more money out of your pocket, assuming you shop there, of course.
Last year, John Walton, a Wal-Mart executive and son of Sam Walton, died in a mysterious plane crash. By revealing this conspiracy for what it is, I fear that I might be the next target of government assassins, but the truth must be told. So use it well, vote for a third-party candidate, and if you don't hear from me again, please, avenge my death.
For those who aren't perfectly in tune with the financial world, like I am, I'll let you in on some information that just leaked from the Wal-Mart world headquarters located in quaint little Bentonville, Arkansas. At risk of becoming shunned and isolated by those living above the poverty line, Wal-Mart is making plans to launch a new chain of stores, still carrying the trusted Wal-Mart name, but aimed at seducing middle and upper-class citizens by stocking products of finer quality and greater cost than those found at normal superstores. The new stores, while still technically Wal-Marts, will feature such luxuries as carpeted floors, dimmed lighting, soft music, and checkout counters similar to those in department stores, instead of the typical grocery-style check stands with the moveable rubber belts and racks of plastic bags. Think Dillard’s or Macy’s (not to be confused with Macey’s, the crappy Utah grocer I worked for in high school), but with all the class you’ve come to expect from the Wal-Mart name (double dose on the sarcasm there).
So why is Wal-Mart, the most successful retailer in history, making such a drastic move? Blame the Democrats.
If you're not perfectly in tune with the political world, like I am, I'll let you in on a rumor that recently leaked from Washington, DC. The Democrats, in the minority since Clinton stumbled out of office, are hoping an anti-Wal-Mart political platform in the 2008 presidential election will connect with the Wal-Mart-hating voter class (think upper and middle class, since white trash and minorities don't vote), thus propelling a Democrat into the oval office and prompting an inevitable Democratic takeover in Congress.
Let’s think about this for a second. A leading political party in the most powerful nation on the planet is using society’s collective animosity toward a discount retailer to sweep a presidential election, thus putting an end to the war in Iraq, thus altering the future of the world. When Sam Walton founded Wal-Mart back in 1962, who’d have thought his company would one day be the catalyst of world peace, thanks, ironically, to the utter hatred projected toward him and his retail empire. Sounds crazy, right? Just watch. The next two years will prove me right.
If you think I've read one too many Newsweek magazines and that I'm making this up, then you're only partially right. While I have read one too many Newsweeks, the conspiracy about Wal-Mart launching their new luxury stores as a counterattack to the Democrats' 2008 campaign is the truth; a strange, unprecedented truth, but true nonetheless.
The government’s interest in Wal-Mart dates back to the late 70’s and early 80’s, when Sam Walton himself was recruited to slow the tide of communism rampaging through Central America by promoting capitalism and privatization. His efforts included funding scholarship programs to bring Central American students to Christian universities in the United States, hoping that exposure to capitalism and good old-fashioned American values would dissuade them from becoming involved in communist movements back home. In 1992, Walton was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom from George Bush, before dying of cancer months later, instantly making his five children multi-billionaires.
As Wal-Mart grew at a miraculous rate in the 90’s, becoming China’s largest trading partner in the process, politicians took steps to control the company’s future, but failed. A grassroots movement, implemented mostly by liberal, Democratic know-nothings started the ubiquitous crusades against “big box stores.” Democratic leaders saw the issue for what it was; a unifying cause for middle and upper class citizens, and added Wal-Mart bashing to their campaign. And now, as I mentioned, Wal-Mart has fired back, targeting the same sector of the populace for their impending luxury stores.
Folks, you heard it here first. A confrontation is brewing between Wal-Mart and the Democratic party, and the only loser in this inevitable clash will be consumers, since it takes money to fight a war (something George W. Bush doesn’t seem to realize). A 2005 study estimated that by shopping exclusively at Wal-Mart, the average family could save nearly $2,800 dollars a year. (The study failed to mention that the same families would also be ridiculed for their cheap clothing and crappy home furnishings.) With a war on, Wal-Mart's prices have nowhere to go but up. And the company is going to need funds to build those new luxury stores, so that’s more money out of your pocket, assuming you shop there, of course.
Last year, John Walton, a Wal-Mart executive and son of Sam Walton, died in a mysterious plane crash. By revealing this conspiracy for what it is, I fear that I might be the next target of government assassins, but the truth must be told. So use it well, vote for a third-party candidate, and if you don't hear from me again, please, avenge my death.
