Monday, August 14, 2006
After much deliberation, I've come up with the 2006 Sean and Sunni Wedding Awards. And while I realize that I said I was finished talking about the wedding, I'm obviously not, so feel free to quit reading this now. Here are your winners:
- Hottest Chick: The best looking girl I saw (not counting the girl who I saw mowing that lawn in Logan on the way to the temple) was a short, dark-haired goddess at the reception, impeccably dressed in a long black skirt and plunging blouse, wearing heels that made her legs look almost edible. My cousin Ian spotted her first and our conversation instantly died as we stared from thirty feet away with glazed eyes and slacken jaws. She was divine, but I still haven't found out who she was. Of course, we were both too scared to actually say anything to her.
- Nastiest Chick(s): Excluding anyone related to me, I have to give this award to several of Sunni's ex roommates. They're all just like Sunni; empowered late-20-somethings with expensive educations and decent jobs, too independent to settle for any man, yet secretly yearning for marriage before their child-bearing years are behind them. Physically, they're not so bad, but when you consider all the femenist baggage, I'd rather date a shaved monkey.
- Hottest Guy: Me, of course. I've been needing a self-esteem boost and winning this award really helped. Thanks, me.
- Oldest Guest: This has to go to my step-grandfather Farrell Carter, who had his 90th birthday last October. He performed the temple ceremony but had to leave the reception early because of a health issue. I'm surprised he even made it up there.
- Youngest Guest: My nephew Benjamin, who's 6 months old, wins this. He had more women pat his little bum and kiss his cheeks than anyone else all day.
- Furthest distance traveled: My Aunt Rea flew in from Knoxville, Tennessee, but Sunni had an aunt come from Houston. Sounds like a toss-up, and since I'm too lazy to look up the exact mileage, I'm giving the award to my aunt in a shameless display of nepotism. Take that, Sunni's family!
- Worst wedding luncheon: The food at Logan's renowned Copper Mill restaurant was beyond bad. Canned turkey loaf, lumpy mashed potatoes, and a tacky little plastic container of cranberry sauce that looked like Jello. I'm sure I got enough sodium to last the next four years, and there was only one cute waitress out of six. Unacceptable!
- Worst wedding reception: I was a little worried that Sean would have a stereotypical "Mormon" reception, but he assured me that Sunni is classy and wouldn't tolerate something like that. Hmmm, so how do you explain crappy metal folding chairs, a home stereo doubling as a sound system, and the wedding line stretching back to the driveway where some kids were playing basketball in their shirts and ties, much to the embarrasment of their parents? I've suffered through receptions that were much worse, but this one wasn't anything special.
- Best freaker-outer: This is a tie between my mom and dad. My dad freaked out about getting to the temple on time and my mom freaked out when Sean was in Ogden losing his virginity instead of at his reception. I'm not sure either freak-out was justified.
- Worst Couple: Sunni's mom and her new husband, an Arab guy in his 30's who looks like a pro wrestler and barely speaks English. He's a truck driver by trade, a Jew-hater by ethnicity, a chain-smoker by habit, and looks like he's one minor disgrace from crashing a plane into a large building. Sunni's mom is white, mid-50's, devout Mormon, and works as a college professor. Not even Sunni knows the details of how they met and fell in love. Can you say Stockholm Syndrome?
- Worst Dessert: I don't understand the logic behind cheesecake. Hey, let's take a dairy product usually reserved for bagels, cracker dip, and beef sandwiches and turn it into a dessert! Sounds delicious! I had one piece, didn't finish it all, and still got enough to last me for the next eight months. Why couldn't I have just grafted those calories onto my curvy buttocks and spared myself the pain of eating it? I'm sure a surgical graft would have been more pleasureable.
- Worst Sex: Let's see, both the bride and groom were attempting this for the first time, and no one's an expert at anything on his or her first try, so I'm guessing their first sexual experience was pretty bad. But I guess any sex, even bad sex, beats no sex.
