Sunday, August 06, 2006
Need proof that my life sucks? Consider this: It's 3:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning. I'm up downloading music that will be played at my brother's wedding later this week and gorging myself on Chex Mix and salt water taffy while trying to politely yet firmly dismantle the sexually charged instant messages of a mid-40's woman who's drunk and horny. Wow, that was a mouthful.
At my sister's wedding reception a few years ago, my parents arranged for a string quartet to provide live music. Very classy, but also quite expensive. My brother, who gets married this Thursday, opted to go for the cheaper yet more proletariat option of having a stereo system playing cheesy love songs, the kind of songs that are the backbone of radio stations like LITE FM 100 and KOZY 106.9. Because of my unsurpassed skills in MP3 piracy and CD burning, I got stuck with the chore of making two CD's full of the aforementioned love songs, to be played on a continuous loop at the reception. My brother and his fiance actually sat down and after much argument, came up with a list of the songs they wanted on the CD's. Watching them fight over which songs should be included was a nauseating scene, to say the least.
So here I am, downloading the stragglers that couldn't be found in anyone's CD collection. Great way to start off a marriage, breaking copyright laws, making illegal CD's and playing the pirated tracks at a Mormon reception. Ahh, sweet hypocrisy! I should go into business doing this, committing small sins for devout Mormons. Some of the more notable songs include Nat King Cole's "When I Fall in Love" and "Sentimental Reasons," The Temptations' "My Girl," Billie Holiday's "Blue Moon," and Neil Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans," a song that adds a touch of tackiness and a definite 70's vibe to every wedding reception it's played at.
As I mentioned, I'm also fighting off the amorous advances of a 40-something woman whom I met a while ago. I was sitting here, eating my snacks and waiting for these songs to finish downloading when I got the first instant message from her. I've met her twice in real life. She's sort of the mentor/foster parent of another female friend of mine, and she got my online information from that friend. This woman (who will remain unnamed to protect her identity) started the conversation by saying how empty her bed is going to be tonight, and the rest snowballed from there. I'm trying to be polite, yet firm. I don't want to offend her, but I also want to avoid spending the night with someone who vividly remembers the day Kennedy was shot. Here are some actual excerpts copied and pasted from the conversation, with all spelling and grammatical mistakes left as they were originally written (also remember that she was probably inebriated):
Her: It's so late!!! But yer not in bed. My beds awfuly lonly and Im lonly to.
Me: That's a shame. I'd love to keep you company, but it's pretty late and I have church tomorrow.
Her: Cool! You are welcome here anytine you need to get away! And ther are extra ROOM if you need to just be left alone to yourself to think.
Me: I appreciate that. It's hard to find a spot to just get away and think sometimes.
Her: But there wont be much sleep! I luv to just have some arms to sleep in.
Me: Everyone likes to be held. We were all babies once, right?
Notice how I successfully changed the subject here. She's a mother, and mothers love babies. On the baby subject, she tells me a little about her children when they were babies, but then she mentions sex again:
Her: I haven't had it for so long I may have forgotten how to even doit! LOL Do they have memory Crash Corses?????? I might have to pull the books out!!!
Me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike. There are some things you never forget how to do, so I wouldn't worry.
Her: Yer tall and hansome. Coulnt you like to teach me agian cuz I know you never forget.
After this, she gave me very detailed directions to her home, reminding me that her aging mother lives with her so we'd have to be quiet. *Shudder* Realizing I'd let things go on a bit too long, I bailed and said I had to go to bed. If pirating music and seducing middle-aged women were Olympic events, I'd be a double gold medal winner and own the cover of Wheaties boxes worldwide. I'm such a stud. The crumbs of Chex Mix all over my shirt are proof.
At my sister's wedding reception a few years ago, my parents arranged for a string quartet to provide live music. Very classy, but also quite expensive. My brother, who gets married this Thursday, opted to go for the cheaper yet more proletariat option of having a stereo system playing cheesy love songs, the kind of songs that are the backbone of radio stations like LITE FM 100 and KOZY 106.9. Because of my unsurpassed skills in MP3 piracy and CD burning, I got stuck with the chore of making two CD's full of the aforementioned love songs, to be played on a continuous loop at the reception. My brother and his fiance actually sat down and after much argument, came up with a list of the songs they wanted on the CD's. Watching them fight over which songs should be included was a nauseating scene, to say the least.
So here I am, downloading the stragglers that couldn't be found in anyone's CD collection. Great way to start off a marriage, breaking copyright laws, making illegal CD's and playing the pirated tracks at a Mormon reception. Ahh, sweet hypocrisy! I should go into business doing this, committing small sins for devout Mormons. Some of the more notable songs include Nat King Cole's "When I Fall in Love" and "Sentimental Reasons," The Temptations' "My Girl," Billie Holiday's "Blue Moon," and Neil Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans," a song that adds a touch of tackiness and a definite 70's vibe to every wedding reception it's played at.
As I mentioned, I'm also fighting off the amorous advances of a 40-something woman whom I met a while ago. I was sitting here, eating my snacks and waiting for these songs to finish downloading when I got the first instant message from her. I've met her twice in real life. She's sort of the mentor/foster parent of another female friend of mine, and she got my online information from that friend. This woman (who will remain unnamed to protect her identity) started the conversation by saying how empty her bed is going to be tonight, and the rest snowballed from there. I'm trying to be polite, yet firm. I don't want to offend her, but I also want to avoid spending the night with someone who vividly remembers the day Kennedy was shot. Here are some actual excerpts copied and pasted from the conversation, with all spelling and grammatical mistakes left as they were originally written (also remember that she was probably inebriated):
Her: It's so late!!! But yer not in bed. My beds awfuly lonly and Im lonly to.
Me: That's a shame. I'd love to keep you company, but it's pretty late and I have church tomorrow.
Her: Cool! You are welcome here anytine you need to get away! And ther are extra ROOM if you need to just be left alone to yourself to think.
Me: I appreciate that. It's hard to find a spot to just get away and think sometimes.
Her: But there wont be much sleep! I luv to just have some arms to sleep in.
Me: Everyone likes to be held. We were all babies once, right?
Notice how I successfully changed the subject here. She's a mother, and mothers love babies. On the baby subject, she tells me a little about her children when they were babies, but then she mentions sex again:
Her: I haven't had it for so long I may have forgotten how to even doit! LOL Do they have memory Crash Corses?????? I might have to pull the books out!!!
Me: I'm sure it's like riding a bike. There are some things you never forget how to do, so I wouldn't worry.
Her: Yer tall and hansome. Coulnt you like to teach me agian cuz I know you never forget.
After this, she gave me very detailed directions to her home, reminding me that her aging mother lives with her so we'd have to be quiet. *Shudder* Realizing I'd let things go on a bit too long, I bailed and said I had to go to bed. If pirating music and seducing middle-aged women were Olympic events, I'd be a double gold medal winner and own the cover of Wheaties boxes worldwide. I'm such a stud. The crumbs of Chex Mix all over my shirt are proof.
