Tuesday, July 25, 2006
A doctor once told me that my statuesque 6-foot 5-inch frame places me in the 99th percentile of height, worldwide. In other words, if 100 men from around the globe are gathered at random , I'll be taller than 99 of them. Similarly, if 1,000 are gathered at random, I'll be taller than 990. Not bad. I can't take any credit for my height since I didn't do anything to achieve it, but it is an attribute I'm glad I was blessed with.
The reason I mention height is because last night I had the rare opportunity to meet someone significantly taller than me. Who's the elongated specimen I'm referring to? None other than 6-foot 9-inch, four-time NBA all-star, 16-year NBA veteran Tom Chambers, the greatest player to ever come out of any Utah college, and winner of the 1987 NBA All-Star game MVP award after dropping 34 points on 12 of best players in the world. Back in the early 90's while playing for the Phoenix Suns, Tom teamed up with point guard Kevin Johnson to form an offensive duo that was nearly unmatched in the league. Tom made around 20 million dollars during his career, and is probably worth at least double that, if he's been prudent investing that money.
I ran into Tom at the Odgen rodeo, where he was walking with a little boy who must have been his grandson and wearing what must have been the biggest cowboy boots on the planet. With the boots on, he must have been pushing 7 feet, and it was nice to have people stare at his freakishly tall body instead of mine. I'd hire him to escort me everywhere and take the attention off me, but I doubt he needs the money. What I always liked about Tom is that he's white, came out of Utah, yet still had an impressive NBA career. In fact, he ranks 19th on the all-time NBA scoring list, which means, at least offensively, he's one of the top 20 basketball players in the history of the universe. Not too shabby for a big white guy. But if you other tall white guys out there are dreaming of duplicating Tom's achievements, think again. Except for the rare cases of guys like Tom, history has shown us that basketball skill and poverty and directly proportional. In other words, the more impoverished you grew up, the better you're destined to be on the court. I've been working on a mathematical formula for the last six weeks and have come up with the following odds that different individuals have for playing pro basketball. Consider the following, keeping in mind that these figures are flawless and indisputable:
The reason I mention height is because last night I had the rare opportunity to meet someone significantly taller than me. Who's the elongated specimen I'm referring to? None other than 6-foot 9-inch, four-time NBA all-star, 16-year NBA veteran Tom Chambers, the greatest player to ever come out of any Utah college, and winner of the 1987 NBA All-Star game MVP award after dropping 34 points on 12 of best players in the world. Back in the early 90's while playing for the Phoenix Suns, Tom teamed up with point guard Kevin Johnson to form an offensive duo that was nearly unmatched in the league. Tom made around 20 million dollars during his career, and is probably worth at least double that, if he's been prudent investing that money.
I ran into Tom at the Odgen rodeo, where he was walking with a little boy who must have been his grandson and wearing what must have been the biggest cowboy boots on the planet. With the boots on, he must have been pushing 7 feet, and it was nice to have people stare at his freakishly tall body instead of mine. I'd hire him to escort me everywhere and take the attention off me, but I doubt he needs the money. What I always liked about Tom is that he's white, came out of Utah, yet still had an impressive NBA career. In fact, he ranks 19th on the all-time NBA scoring list, which means, at least offensively, he's one of the top 20 basketball players in the history of the universe. Not too shabby for a big white guy. But if you other tall white guys out there are dreaming of duplicating Tom's achievements, think again. Except for the rare cases of guys like Tom, history has shown us that basketball skill and poverty and directly proportional. In other words, the more impoverished you grew up, the better you're destined to be on the court. I've been working on a mathematical formula for the last six weeks and have come up with the following odds that different individuals have for playing pro basketball. Consider the following, keeping in mind that these figures are flawless and indisputable:
- You were born to a white, suburban family and grew up playing little league baseball and delivering newspapers to the spacious homes on your tree-lined street. Your mom and dad are still married, and you did well in high school. Odds of playing professional basketball: 1 in 12.6 trillion.
- You were born to white trash parents and grew up in a trailer park where you frequently fought your 8 siblings to see who got to eat the leftovers at dinner. Your dad worked at a cement plant and mom was a waitress/cook/hostess/custodian at the local diner. Odds of playing pro basketball: 1 in 7.8 million.
- You grew up in a small, low rent urban home with married black parents, 5 siblings, one grandma, an aunt, her two bastard children, and whatever boyfriend happened to be banging/abusing her at the time . Luxuries were scarce, but mom's pressure and dad's beatings kept you in high school. Odds of playing professional basketball: 1 in 32,000.
- You were born premature and underweight to the neighborhood crack ho and were given one of those very black-sounding names. You grew up in a cracked, cement apartment building where you were kept awake at night by the gun shots outside. You didn't graduate from high school and committed your first felony (armed robbery) at age 15. You've fathered 3 illegitimate children by the age of 18 but have only seen one of them. You are very proud of your black heritage. Odds of playing professional basketball: Are you joking? You're the best player in the world. What are you doing reading this when you could be out making millions, partying with hookers, fathering more kids, and spending your money on big Caddies with gold rims and hydroponic weed.
Again, the previous statistics were based on a carefully contrived scientific formula. If you disagree with these results, then you are wrong.
