Wasting my life one day at a time...

I saw one of those Toys for Tots commercials on TV last night, a good reminder that the Christmas season is officially here. And what better way to celebrate the miraculous birth of our Lord and Savior than to hit the mall and blow an entire paycheck on unnecessary gifts, like Pepperidge Farm sausages, little robotic dogs, and Baywatch calendars for 2007. Doesn't get much better than that, especially knowing that the amount of money wasted on one of those sausages alone could feed a Somalian village for well over a year. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

Of course, not everything about Christmas is as warm and soft as Pamela Anderson's sun-baked buttocks or over-inflated chest. Since people love lists, I decided to write a list of ten things I hate about Christmas. I'm sure you're wondering why I don't write about ten things I like about Christmas. The short answer to that question is that I'm not gay and no one would want to read that anyway. We're all cruel bastards at heart. So here are the things I hate. Keep in mind that I could go well beyond ten, but for the sake of time and pity for my readers, I'll keep it short.

1. Eggnog, wassail, and other weird holiday beverages--Maybe it's because I've never had real eggnog (the kind so boozed up that partakers have literal visions of sugar-plum fairies) that I can't enjoy this frothy drink. The Meadow Gold kind my mom buys at the grocery store just doesn't make sense to me. It's so thick that it barely qualifies as a beverage anyway, and it's not exactly a health drink. And people mix it with the weirdest stuff, no doubt making a bad drink even worse. Save a chicken and cross this off your list this year. And since when did adding cinnamon and cloves to Tang make it taste better? Same with spiced cider and mint flavored cocoa. Cider and chocolate are doing just fine as they are. Don’t mess with them.
2. People who complain about how early Christmas starts every year--Don't you hate these people? You hear them bitching about it a few days before Halloween, saying how they spotted a few early decorations, or heard a Christmas song somewhere, or how their neighbor Bob put his lights up in September. Deal with it, you retards. Just because you obsess about stupid things doesn't mean we need to suffer too. Who cares when it starts. If you don't like it, go live in a cave or convert to Judaism.
3. Christmas songs that have nothing to do with Christms--Some of the most beloved Christmas songs aren't really Christmas songs at all. How many times are Jesus, and holiday cheer, and Santa mentioned in "Jingle Bells?" How about "Frosty the Snowman" and "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland." Never! So why don't we sing them in January, when the snow really starts to fly? Probably because singing sucks, and the only reason we put up with it in the first place is because we know we'll all get some presents eventually. After that, who cares. Sorry Frosty. You're clean and white, and you're the best-dressed snowman I've ever seen, but not even you can make singing popular in late February.
4. Those crappy booths at the mall--Don’t you hate those little booths and carts in the mall that exist for about a month and then disappear a day after Christmas, before gift receivers can return unwanted items? They sell everything from crappy silver jewelry and charm bracelets to little robotic toys, cheap calendars, and knockoff designer sunglasses. They come and go every year, and the people running them always look a little seedy and suspicious. You have to wonder what line of work they’re in January through November. Probably running numbers for the mafia or passing out free porn on the Vegas strip. Be sure to support them this holiday season, thus supporting organized crime in the process.
5. Festive popcorn buckets—Nothing says Christmas like those metal popcorn buckets divided into three flavors: butter, caramel, and cheese. The canisters are always decorated with a cloying holiday scene, and neighbors love giving them as gifts since very little original thinking is involved. When I was a kid, I used to keep my GI Joe and He-Man action figures in them, since we got about ten popcorn buckets as gifts every year and had to put them to practical use. They seem to have lost popularity over the years, but at least I can blame my childhood obesity on them.
6. Caroling—This also seems to have lost popularity over the years. Back when I was growing up, I remember going caroling with my family on one night, and with my church youth group on another, and with my Cub Scout group, and with my class at school, usually to a rest home where the old people were too comatose or deaf to know what was going on. I guess people realized that uninvited singing borders more on harassment than tradition. And I always hated it when people would answer the door and just stand there staring at you with a stupid look on their face while you finished your song. Painful memories. A sharp blow to the head should erase them for me.
7. Shameless inclusion of everyone’s beliefs—Political correctness reaches its zenith during the holidays, where you can’t even say “Merry Christmas” in a public place anymore without offending the Jews, or the Kwanzaa-celebrating blacks, or the Jehovah’s Witnesses, or the staunch atheists who denounce anything associated with Christ. And you can’t set up a nativity scene anymore without including a Jewish menorah next to it, along with everyone else’s cultural or religious symbols. Just because you don’t celebrate Christmas doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us. Oh well. You non-believers will rot in hell anyway, so I’m over it.
8. Poinsettias--Yeah, you read that right. They're called poinsettias, not poinsettas, the way 98 percent of the world mispronounces them. I don't mind the flowers themselves, but I can't stand the fact their name is butchered ignorantly every year. If pronouncing the name of a simple flower is beyond us, how low have we sunk? Get it right people, and spread the word.
9. Mint candy—I might be mistaken, but isn’t this what most toothpastes taste like? Quit making nasty mint candy. No one sucks down toothpaste because it tastes good. When I get a mint-flavored candy cane these days, I’m most likely to suck on one end until it’s sharp and pointy and spend a few minutes torturing myself before throwing it away. Eating it never really an option. Mints are for cleansing the palette, not for enjoyment. Cherry candy canes taste much better, so of course they’re usually more expensive and a lot harder to find. If you want mint, then get some Tic-Tacs. Candy should taste good.
10. Guilty gift giving—Picture this. It’s Christmas Eve, and you get a knock on the door. It’s a long lost friend delivering a gift to you, and as soon as the gift-giver leaves, you get dressed in a panic and drive to the nearest store, praying it’s open long enough for you to get something for whomever just stopped by at the last minute. So you buy a nasty box of cherry chocolates or something equally valueless and race to the gift-giver’s house just before midnight to deliver it, feeding them an obvious lie like “I bought this for you a few weeks ago, but forget to give it to you.” My mom does this type of thing a lot. Why is guilt so inherent in receiving gifts? Why isn’t a heartfelt “thank-you” and a lifetime of friendship enough? For those of you who might consider getting me a gift, please note that I feel absolutely zero guilt, so I won’t be rushing to any stores at the last minute in an attempt to return your kindness. If I haven’t gotten you something already, you’re screwed anyway, so don’t even bother dropping by with your crappy present.