Monday, September 11, 2006
It’s September 11, a date which will live in infamy, so I thought I’d write about something that affects every American and every swarthy illegal immigrant who snuck past our horribly inept border patrol.
America is a beautiful country; a land of contrast, a land of opportunity, a land of…obesity. Take pride, fellow Americans, because we collectively comprise the fattest population on Earth. Feel free to do a celebratory dance and let those chunky thighs clap together, applauding our glorious achievement. Raise your fork high and salute our girth. Waddle over to the fridge and crack open an ice-cold beverage to toast our doomed fate.
According to a recent poll, more Americans think obesity will destroy our country quicker than George W. Bush, although Bush is gaining more support as his international policies continue to reach new lows.
I have to wonder…if war was the equivalent of an international sumo match, where the fattest competitor has a definite advantage, the United States would undoubtedly reign, since no other country would be dumb enough to take on “the Great Satan” in the metaphorical dohyo (that’s the name for the traditional sumo ring, if you’re not an fastidious student of Japanese culture. Japanese men also have the tiniest penises on the planet according to a very respectable Web page I looked at a while ago, a fact which makes me wonder if I’m somehow Japanese.)
Speaking of tiny penises, President Bush should really pack on a few pounds in order to more accurately represent his country’s population. Remember when he choked on a pretzel and nearly died while watching the Superbowl a few years ago? That’s a good start, eating and watching TV, but if wants to catch up with the common gastropods he governs, he should replace the pretzel with a doughnut, and instead of choking on it, he should actually manage to get it down. You’d think that with so much swallowing experience in his 50-something years he wouldn’t make a mistake like that, but failure seems to stick with him like his West Texas drawl. Besides, he’s not exactly known for being an intellectual, his Yale education notwithstanding.
Bush’s wife and daughter Jenna (the chubby blonde one) are obviously more in touch with the voting public since their jiggly butts are both deliciously American, but his other daughter Barbara (aka the hot one) is a sad representative of our culture. Based strictly on looks, there’s no way Jenna and Barbara are twins, since Barbara is graceful, dark-haired, and slender compared to Jenna’s blonde pudginess. The twins had their pick of colleges and Barbara wisely chose to attend Yale, while Jenna eschewed the Ivy League and elected to attend the University of Texas, a public institution and famed party school, known more for its football prowess than for anything in the academic realm. Jenna does have that naughty rich girl vibe working for her, since she was arrested for underage drinking several times, but even with her reputation for debauchery and her noticeably larger bust line, she’s no Barbara. I often wonder how President Bush spawned such a gorgeous heir, and how Barbara missed out on her father’s redneck ears and illiteracy. She was the one who recommended that he change his first name to Jorge, to show his support for the influx of Hispanics destroying our delicate social fabric. But I digress. This was supposed to be about fat people, not invasions from across the border, so let’s get back to the point.
For those of you who will do anything (besides exercise regularly and eat right) to lose weight, I have a new fad diet for you. I’ve been following this diet for the past few weeks, and at a recent doctor’s appointment, I was told that I’ve lost seven pounds in the last three months, even though I wasn’t trying. It seems that in this case, weight loss is a byproduct of my cheapness. Let me explain.
I was looking for a cheap substitute for meals a while ago and I stumbled upon something divine. I bought a 15-pack of Pop Weaver Light brand microwave popcorn at Wal-Mart for less than three dollars. By my calculations, that’s less than twenty cents per bag, and taken to work, that’s less than twenty cents for a lunch that lasts for hours, is fairly healthy, low in calories, and quite filling. I pop a bag in the morning and munch on it all day, staying hunger-free while ingesting only 275 calories. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and I agree with you: I’m a freaking genius. Since I don’t eat breakfast and rarely eat anything more than fruit and pretzels at work, I’m getting through my day fueled by approximately 400 calories. I probably burn off more than that in my 9-hour shift, walking around the office and stressing about keeping my job, so I figure I have a negative caloric intake for nearly fifty percent of my life. And since corn is an insoluble fiber it’s not absorbed well by the body, so who knows how many of those calories I’m actually packing away and how many are just…passing through. And popcorn, despite the high sodium content, is relatively low in fat (less than 15% of my daily fat value per bag) and is a decent source of iron, along with a little protein and a superb amount of fiber. Plus it tastes pretty good and I have something to offer the legions of visitors who stop by to see me.
So try my popcorn diet if you want to save money, lose weight, and defecate regularly three times a day. Because skinniness is the new form of American revolution, and being underweight is the ultimate war protest.
America is a beautiful country; a land of contrast, a land of opportunity, a land of…obesity. Take pride, fellow Americans, because we collectively comprise the fattest population on Earth. Feel free to do a celebratory dance and let those chunky thighs clap together, applauding our glorious achievement. Raise your fork high and salute our girth. Waddle over to the fridge and crack open an ice-cold beverage to toast our doomed fate.
According to a recent poll, more Americans think obesity will destroy our country quicker than George W. Bush, although Bush is gaining more support as his international policies continue to reach new lows.
I have to wonder…if war was the equivalent of an international sumo match, where the fattest competitor has a definite advantage, the United States would undoubtedly reign, since no other country would be dumb enough to take on “the Great Satan” in the metaphorical dohyo (that’s the name for the traditional sumo ring, if you’re not an fastidious student of Japanese culture. Japanese men also have the tiniest penises on the planet according to a very respectable Web page I looked at a while ago, a fact which makes me wonder if I’m somehow Japanese.)
Speaking of tiny penises, President Bush should really pack on a few pounds in order to more accurately represent his country’s population. Remember when he choked on a pretzel and nearly died while watching the Superbowl a few years ago? That’s a good start, eating and watching TV, but if wants to catch up with the common gastropods he governs, he should replace the pretzel with a doughnut, and instead of choking on it, he should actually manage to get it down. You’d think that with so much swallowing experience in his 50-something years he wouldn’t make a mistake like that, but failure seems to stick with him like his West Texas drawl. Besides, he’s not exactly known for being an intellectual, his Yale education notwithstanding.
Bush’s wife and daughter Jenna (the chubby blonde one) are obviously more in touch with the voting public since their jiggly butts are both deliciously American, but his other daughter Barbara (aka the hot one) is a sad representative of our culture. Based strictly on looks, there’s no way Jenna and Barbara are twins, since Barbara is graceful, dark-haired, and slender compared to Jenna’s blonde pudginess. The twins had their pick of colleges and Barbara wisely chose to attend Yale, while Jenna eschewed the Ivy League and elected to attend the University of Texas, a public institution and famed party school, known more for its football prowess than for anything in the academic realm. Jenna does have that naughty rich girl vibe working for her, since she was arrested for underage drinking several times, but even with her reputation for debauchery and her noticeably larger bust line, she’s no Barbara. I often wonder how President Bush spawned such a gorgeous heir, and how Barbara missed out on her father’s redneck ears and illiteracy. She was the one who recommended that he change his first name to Jorge, to show his support for the influx of Hispanics destroying our delicate social fabric. But I digress. This was supposed to be about fat people, not invasions from across the border, so let’s get back to the point.
For those of you who will do anything (besides exercise regularly and eat right) to lose weight, I have a new fad diet for you. I’ve been following this diet for the past few weeks, and at a recent doctor’s appointment, I was told that I’ve lost seven pounds in the last three months, even though I wasn’t trying. It seems that in this case, weight loss is a byproduct of my cheapness. Let me explain.
I was looking for a cheap substitute for meals a while ago and I stumbled upon something divine. I bought a 15-pack of Pop Weaver Light brand microwave popcorn at Wal-Mart for less than three dollars. By my calculations, that’s less than twenty cents per bag, and taken to work, that’s less than twenty cents for a lunch that lasts for hours, is fairly healthy, low in calories, and quite filling. I pop a bag in the morning and munch on it all day, staying hunger-free while ingesting only 275 calories. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and I agree with you: I’m a freaking genius. Since I don’t eat breakfast and rarely eat anything more than fruit and pretzels at work, I’m getting through my day fueled by approximately 400 calories. I probably burn off more than that in my 9-hour shift, walking around the office and stressing about keeping my job, so I figure I have a negative caloric intake for nearly fifty percent of my life. And since corn is an insoluble fiber it’s not absorbed well by the body, so who knows how many of those calories I’m actually packing away and how many are just…passing through. And popcorn, despite the high sodium content, is relatively low in fat (less than 15% of my daily fat value per bag) and is a decent source of iron, along with a little protein and a superb amount of fiber. Plus it tastes pretty good and I have something to offer the legions of visitors who stop by to see me.
So try my popcorn diet if you want to save money, lose weight, and defecate regularly three times a day. Because skinniness is the new form of American revolution, and being underweight is the ultimate war protest.
# posted by RBW @ 11:30 AM 
