Wasting my life one day at a time...

Some men look good in oily blue coveralls, with black grease caked under their fingernails. Their manly scent, a mixture of gasoline, brake fluid and body odor, attracts all but the most attractive females. A good day for them is rebuilding the carburetor of an aging Ford while swearing, spitting on the floor, and telling misogynistic jokes. These are car guys.

While I do enjoy misogynistic jokes and spitting from very high places, I'm not a car guy. I don't own any blue coveralls and my fingernails are pretty clean. I don't even know what a carburetor is. Even though I'm not a car guy, I've learned so much about cars lately that every major auto manufacturer has hired me to write new ad slogans for their companies. I came up with the following:

• BMW - Tough as a German concentration camp.
• Nissan - Nassin spelled backwards.
• Hyundai - A guaranteed piece of shit. (Thanks Somer, for inspiring this one.)
• Toyota - Tiny Asian penises, great Asian cars.
• Pontiac - Luxury car for white trash.
• Ford - A four-letter F-word for car.
• Cadillac - The ultimate bling.
• Volkswagen - Made for women, strong enough for gay men.
• Jeep - Rugged, so you don't have to be.
• Suburu - Owning suburbia since the mid-90's.
• Mercedes - The spawn of Hitler.
• Honda - We also make lawnmowers.
• Mitsubishi - Free sushi with every car.
• Saturn - If hippies could afford cars, they'd drive Saturns.
• Hummer - As dirty as it sounds.
• Mazda - Sounds Italian, made in Japan.
• Chevrolet - Ford sucks!
• Isuzu - The "Z" makes us cool.
• Suzuki - Isuzu stole our "Z."
• Audi - The opposite of innie.
• Volvo - We suck, but at least we're safe.

If I forgot any automakers, let me know. I'm sure they'd love to sue me for libel too.