Wasting my life one day at a time...

I’ve played poker for years, long before it was trendy, and the single most important lesson I’ve learned is that retards are lucky, or, if you prefer political correctness, losers need luck.

When you’re holding a sure winner at the poker table, it’s almost a certainty that some moron will pull a bonehead move, catch a few cards, and end up beating you. This is a law in poker: You will always lose to the worst player at the table. It’s usually someone who barely knows the rules and doesn’t speak English, and, more often than not, it’s a woman, since women inherently suck at the game yet continue to play it anyway. These are the same women who pretend to enjoy football, even though, like poker, they don’t understand the rules and various subtleties.

But back to my original point, the classic poker maxim “Losers need luck.” Look at me. I’m the unluckiest man alive, as I’ve proven numerous times, much to the enjoyment of my readers. Why am I unlucky? Because I’m not a loser. I don’t need luck to be successful. Do you ever see pictures of people who win the lottery? They’re always balding, overweight men who wear gravy-stained polyester shirts to their press conferences, or gray-haired women in flower-print dresses large enough to double as tablecloths. Not exactly the epitome of human evolution, yet luck smiles upon them because it must; it’s a universal law.

Still don’t believe me? Take a look at some snippets from today’s Deseret News which support my claim nicely:

“A woman burning sticks and weeds in her back yard started a fire that was much more than she expected and forced the evacuation of at least 20 homes on the east bench of Layton Thursday…”

“…The evacuation order was lifted after a 4 p.m. rainstorm aided firefighters and finally squelched the dangers of the fire turning toward the homes...”

“…At least two rainstorms helped reduce the risk Thursday afternoon, and more rain is expected throughout the weekend.”

And there you have it. An unnamed retard (a woman, like usual) starts a forest fire while attempting a controlled burn in her back yard. The fire gets out of control and burns more than 400 acres over several hours, yet was put out by coincidental rainstorms (notice, there were two storms mentioned, not just one) before it could do any real damage. Can a retard get more lucky that that?

See, most people use lawnmowers, weed-whackers, wood-chippers, and other conventional methods to control unwanted vegetation on their property. This idiot uses gasoline and a box of matches, yet somehow avoids any catastrophic consequences. No criminal charges have been filed since the woman was being “cooperative” with authorities, plus the fact that she’s a female.

For a moment, let’s pretend that I’m a retard like her. I’m out in my backyard, throwing gas onto an annoying patch of dry weeds, somehow unaware that dry vegetation, soaked with gasoline, burns quickly and erratically. Then I light a match and toss it onto the shimmering gas puddle and…POOF…I’m a felon. If this was really me, no rainstorms would have come to my aid. The fire would have destroyed every home in East Layton and then jumped Highway 89 and torched the rest of the city. Heavy winds would have spread the blaze north toward Ogden, with the flames somehow jumping the Weber River and destroying most of O-town before being extinguished by an early November snowstorm. I’d be charged with multiple counts of reckless endangerment, arson, vandalism, being a public nuisance, and destruction of private and public property. I’d also be charged with two hate crimes, since my fire would destroy the home of two gay men and a black family's trailer.

Luckily, I’m not retarded, so this would never happen to me. That’s why I don’t need luck. I have a brain instead.

Here’s another snippet from the newspaper:

“U.S. 89 was closed between Kaysville and South Weber, causing problems for truckers passing through and creating mild congestion on I-15.”

This “mild congestion” on I-15 added twenty minutes to my already delayed commute last night. This rage I cannot let go. The woman who started the fire is lucky (once again) that her name wasn’t released, because her actions affected my life in an unacceptable way. I’ve been known to hold grudges, and after yesterday, I’m thinking her allotment of retard luck might run out pretty soon.